Teaching

Today was my last day being a fake elementary school teacher. Actually, I have to teach three weeks of half-day English camps starting Thursday, but for all intents and purposes, I am done-zo. All things considered, I shouldn't really complain, but that doesn't mean I won't. Let's just start off by saying I am going to miss my school lunches ten times more than any of the students.

When my wife talked me into teaching English in Korea, the actual work was an afterthought. Getting away from the stresses of life at home and the opportunity to travel were what sold me on the experience. Yeah, I knew I was going to be spending the majority of my time in a classroom, but I'd have a co-teacher to translate, and the subject matter is so simple I figured I wouldn't have to worry about prep-time.

In hindsight, the first year moved along rather smoothly. I taught 3rd and 5th graders that were eager to learn and I had a co-teacher that was a true disciplinarian. My contract started at the end of the first semester, which meant I only had half a year with these particular students before they moved on. The next year's 5th graders sucked. Individually, they are all nice kids, but together they are satan's bastards. They were even worse as 6th graders and, as luck would have it, I was informed by my Vice Principal at the end of the year that I would be teaching 6th grade exclusively. Also, they will have English three days a week instead of two. Also, I was assigned a new co-teacher who left me alone 95 percent of the time.

As I said, individually the kids are great and there are a few really good ones- maybe two or three in each class. But teaching sucks and here are five reasons why: (note: I am only talking about teaching ESL in Korea- and my opinion is probably skewed because I don't like kids as much as some others might and like I said, I taught only 6th graders who were the highest grade in the school and thought they were badasses- 3rd, 4th and even 5th are great)

1. They never stop hitting each other. And not just the boys either. Boys hit girls, girls hit girls, girls hit boys and boys hit boys. Mostly hard, open handed slaps to the back and punches to the arm. It takes all I have not to throw my weight around in the mix. In the states, if you hit a girl you would be in big trouble. KEEP YOUR GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING HANDS TO YOURSELVES!!!

2. The students never shut up. They can't even shut up during silent ball. They just don't get it. The only time I have ever had complete silence is after I have lost it and screamed at the top of my lungs. I felt a little ashamed after and went outside to cool off, but when I came back in the room you could have heard a mosquito fart. IT WAS BLISS.

3. Korea has a messed up private academy system where parents who can afford it send their kids to hours and hours of extra schooling. That along with students who have parent that speak English or have spent time abroad created a huge learning gap. I have students that can read Shakespeare (ok not really, but maybe J.K. Rowling), and students unfamiliar with the alphabet.

4. God, I hate it when they look over my shoulder at my computer screen before class starts. YES, SO MANY WORDS IN ENGRISH-EY OOOOH FASCINATING!!!

5. Even after two years, students still shit their pants when they see me walking to school or in the hallway. YES, I AM WHITE AND NO I AM NOT GOING TO EAT YOU. Unless you peer over my shoulder at the computer screen that is.

So yeah, I guess it is a good thing that today was my last day. For the sake of my health and the students' safety.